SHEisReedS
the art of deviancy
Don’t Call Switch, When You’re Not
Mar 29, 2009@8:23am | Category: BDSM, Community, Switching | Comments: (0) (+)

Over and over again I see this phenomenon, of people listing themselves as switches, when they are really just undecided.  One guy I went on a date with was actually honorable enough to admit this after several hours of discussion,  The topic of BDSM came up  and I started gleefully going on about my love of rope suspension, adversarial play and reminiscing over a recent “mishap” with a pair of pliers.  He started to look uncomfortable and finally said, “really, I’m just a tourist”.

I was thankful for his admission of guilt.  More people should do that.  Thing is the scene is extremely attractive.  We do extremely hot and sexy things and involve pain and all this awesome seductive mental foreplay.  On top of that switches by appearance seem noncommittal, because we play both sides.  It feels to me much like when kids would say “I’m bisexual” in high school and college.  To the point where when I was catching up with a high school friend for the first time in years the other day; she just had to ask if I was still bi.  Honestly, given the idiotic behavior of many of our peers back in the day, it didn’t surprise me.

On the surface it seems to be more of a commitment to declare one as submissive or dominant.  The submissive opens themselves up to the opportunity that they will give their will over to another.  The dominant declares a responsibility for the submissive  and is expected to have a manner and skill-set that will make it a good experience.

However, switches aren’t free for all’s.  Most ACTUAL switches I know are edge players.  We like extremely dark adversarial play, asphyxiation, severe injury, often blood play, and a whole lot of violence.  We’re able to exist and actually thrive in a very violent and dangerous head space.  We also tend to like less volatile dynamics.  I do very much enjoy the peace of submission, and am quite good at that as well.  Fully giving up will to the scene and following the command of the dominant.  Versus biting, scratching and flailing my way into the dark water, sometimes it is nice to be “calmly” led by the hand.

Truth is being a switch is much like being bisexual.  We are open to various opportunities and must define for ourselves what works within various roles and what doesn’t.  It’s a different process of soul searching. Submissives do this when involved in deep work with their masters, and I know the dominants go through something very similar, though they never talk about it :)

We all are individuals in the scene, we take on different roles though everyone has different skills, likes and dislikes.  Not every slave has the same experience, not every dominant has the same arsenal.  The mental experience is even further individualized.

We all grow within this, and have taken time to find ourselves and what we are.  While I was fairly open about my penchant for masochism as early as the beginning of highschool.  I was quiet about my role within relationships until my freshman year of college.  Even then we often question them and think about change.  As all of us in the end are a little bit switchish.  Just not all of us oscillate between the two roles as the default.

So please, do your reading, and do what my date did, and ‘fess up.

Handling Pain
Mar 01, 2009@7:39am | Category: BDSM, Masochism | Comments: (0) (+)

A lot of new submissives come to me wondering how I handle pain.  To approach this topic adequetely it’s important to note why pain is good, psychological mechanisms that keep us from feeling that, the nature of D/s dynamics, and the importance of self study and aftercare.

Pain is good

When in pain our bodies release a host of awesome chemicals on par with some of the coolest drugs out there.  There are other things I like about pain, beyond the science I’m masochist at heart.  What I also like about pain is it also involves an extreme amount of physical exertion.  The tired aftermath and the mental reset is equally good to me.

What keeps people away

We’re organically wired to avoid pain as it is the bodies natural defense mechanism against injury.  When we hurt it’s a sign something in the environment is an imminent threat.  However, not all pain leads to injury, or to injury directly proportional to the amount of pain.  We can hurt a lot and be injured very little.

The D/s dynamic

Enables the masochist to interrupt the pain avoidance response by passing all control over to the dominant.  This is a broad overarching statement.  It doesn’t mean that feedback on the part of the submissive is not important.  If we’re in tune enough, and experienced enough with our bodies we can tell when pain is leading to injury and when pain is just leading to more pain.  I do my best to feel the way my body is taking to ties, impact etc, and grade the level of damage.  It’s a learning process.  However, once setup is done, my only responsibility is for managing my response.

It’s the beautiful interplay between sadism, masochism, and bondage.  It’s allowing power exchange to be put into action.  There is a mutual benefit, the masochist gets greater leeway and ability to be in the experience, in return for giving the sadist the control and ability to inflict harm that they desire.

Importance of Self Study

The more you know yourself, the more you can gain and contribute to scenes.  A Master can provide a submissive with techniques, however, it is up to the submissive to use them to understand themselves for themselves.  It’s only from that point of self fulfillment that one can truly give to another, as it is only at that point of self fulfillment that one can truly give to themselves.

There are several things that have helped me learn my body, and mind:

  • Yoga – practicing yoga, stretching, and some study of dance has given me solid training in my internal kinesthetics.  I know how my body moves, I know how to control nearly every muscle group in my body.  Also Yoga provides an excellent means of learning proper breathing and relaxation.
  • Meditation – the ability to clear the mind and feel serenity from within.  To change thinking patterns, focus, and concentration at will.  I gained most of my knowledge through neo-pagan study in meditation and trance.  Though Eastern philosophies tend to be easier to grasp and research for beginners.  As well as more intense Yoga study which bridges into meditation work.  Trick is Yoga truly is a form of meditation.
  • Spirituality, Morality, and Ethics – it’s important for all of us to have a context for ourselves.  Whether it be philosophy, religion, psychology, in whatever form it’s important to form a strong spiritual core, sense of morals, and ethics.  Not just for our own behavior but as a means of assessing our own self worth and gauging what is appropriate behavior from others.

Self Care and Aftercare

Masochism at this point in my life is a celebration of my body not a punishment.  It’s important for us to take care of ourselves, and honor ourselves.  This comes down to the most basic things, eating well, sleeping well, countering feelings of self hate, guilt and shame.

After a scene I dress comfortably, listen to my body and give it what it needs.  I eat healthy, I go about my normal activities, and get appropriate amounts of rest.  Though I keep in mind that my brain dropped a lot of it’s chemistry the day before.  Psychologically I’m bound to feel a bit burned, with a potential for looser control over emotions, decreased concentration, etc.  Also keeping in mind my bodies natural healing process.  That same assessment of kinesthetics remains in play as I deal with strained joints, etc.

It’s important to find contentment in every part of the process, for me the recovery phase comes with a light increased awareness. The world slows down for a day, and I can more closely study everything around me and myself.  This floods back in to D/s work, as well as all other aspects of my life.  Never waste an opportunity to enjoy and to learn, and every moment is an opportunity.

Thoughts on “Sub Drop”
Dec 24, 2008@6:58pm | Category: BDSM | Comments: (0) (+)

Until this year when I have been active with BDSM play was a regular part of day to day activity. It would ebb and flow, and the dynamics themselves were very fluid.

Since then I have returned to the scene polyamorous and a busy professional. I currently don’t have a primary partner so I only get time to play occasionally and I play very hard.

I was warned about sub drop, and I swear it was a self fulfilling prophecy, initally I felt disempowered and depressed post scene, train wreck feeling and very low energy. I did take care of my body well by eating a lot of protein and vitamin rich produce. I was ok in several days and thankfully was given an opportunity to process what happened.

Thing is it was expected that I was going to be confronted with something uncontrollable and would need to be cared for. This in many ways made me feel helpless emotionally and mentally to be able to change how I felt about the situation.

I still experience low energy and the train wreck feeling post scene. However I recognize it as my body recovering. I get the same feeling after long performances (fire performer), or any other strenuous activity. Except with more bruises and scratches :)

I anticipate this prior to engaging in a scene, and I respect the feeling when it comes. I pamper myself, buy fresh foods (vegan), convert largely to a raw diet, wear comfortable clothes, and pick low key activities. Usually this occurs 1 to 2 days post scene, and there is no mental or emotional drop associated with it.

Thing is yes there is involvement of endorphins, adrenalin, etc. However, strenuous high impact activity in general causes this. Once I removed the experience from the psychological effect of the scene I realized it was much the same.

Now actually post scene I feel damn awesome, and within several days feel so level, confident and happy.