SHEisReedS
the art of deviancy
Sorry Grrrls, I Want to be a Woman

IMG_1761Riot Grrrl was a brief movement in the early 1990s which focused on allowing girls to be grrrls.  It’s agenda addressed violence and oppression of young women.  Focusing on emotional, physical and sexual abuse as well as domestic violence and rape.  The movement also address how girls were raised to be complacent about these issues, and in general.  This was also at the beginning of the third wave feminist movement which moved the focus to flaws in gender norms, sexuality as well as beginning to address feminism cross culturally.

I reached adolescence right after the peak of the Riot Grrrl movement.  My first forays into the internet were filled with riot grrrls.  While I wasn’t super into the music, I did dig some of the politics.  While the actual history of riot grrrl was only easily found on the internet, riot grrrl was alive and well in almost every counter culture movement I participated in.  It was actually an expectation that I would call myself a girl.  It was permission to scream, get dirty, get angry, be fun and be passionate.  Terming myself a young woman would disallow this kind of behavior.

So while many of us had lost touch with what it meant to be a grrrl, and where that philosophy had arisen from, we embraced it.  We rolled around in the dirt, trampled the city in ripped tights and combat boots.  It was an amazingly freeing way to be, and even through getting married, finishing up college, and beginning to go to work I looked forward to the days I could be dirty and loud.  I remained a grrrl at heart.

Thing is, I’m not a girl anymore.  In those in between years when my body, sex drive and mind were all new to me, there was no doubt that womanhood was still far out of reach.  Reverting to grrrl, allowed me to keep a sense of control over my development.  Stating that those behaviors were a part of the female identity, and were how I would learn and continue to develop was important.  I learned a whole lot.  Now I’m in my late twenties, and I don’t identify with the grrrls I meet.

They’re young, into experiencing, they lack dedication to long term goals.  They’re often not as assertive as they think they are, they don’t know nearly as much as they think they do.  I know this in part because I was there no so long ago.  At the same time growing up has not quieted me down a bit, I am as loud as ever.  I own pleather 10-holed steel-toed combat boots, and they’re muddy.  Not much has changed.

Except for that whole experienced piece.  At first it really confused me, I was taught to embrace being a grrrl forever.  Though I was ceasing to identify with all that a grrrl was.  Instead I was feeling more entangled in the mysticism of being a woman.  Through being so loud and crazy in my youth I really got to know my body.  I began to know what I liked, and how to look good, feel good, and approach these things with a sense of deliberateness and maturity in a way a grrrl can’t.

I woke up one day to realize I was a woman different than the mainstream has known.  Though not very different from my mother, the hippie and 2nd wave feminist.  Like her, I wear what I want to wear, and do what I want to do.  No doubt I’m evolved in that I put more emphasis on sexuality, though it is much the same.  No one told me I could grow up to be this way.  I got lucky and stumbled into it.

It makes me wonder about how my fellow grrrls are fairing.   Many have disappeared.  Out of an entire collective of websites only a handful still exist, only 1 or 2 have been updated in the past year.  Of my friends in high school I know several have turned to alcohol or drugs, twice that number dropped out of college.  In the generation behind mine I know that many are drifting from job to job, relationship to relationship, who knows how many gave up on being a grrrl entirely.

How many of us got lost in wondering what came after grrrl?  While it is powerful to speak up for yourself, be in charge and spontaneous there is a certain amount of growth that is absent.  While I do despise the  classic tutoring of young women, no one taught us grrrls to be anything but.  I know that recently I have felt more drawn to taking younger generations under my wing.  Teaching that there is a way along the path from grrrl to woman, without becoming complacent to social norms.

In a generation where the term girl has been moved into mainstream culture without the history of its power I can’t see this being anything but necessity.  We need to know where we came from, and how to take the next step to being women with the upbringing of grrrls.  We can’t grow up and teach when we’re addicted, uneducated, or have simply forgotten who we are and where we came from.  We won’t get anywhere unless we empower ourselves and aren’t afraid to grow.

Here are some resources, and I do wish there were more:

Books:

Vegan Guide – On Everything But the Food

One of the primary differences between vegans and vegetarians is that veganism forces the issue of all non-food animal products.  While good vegetarians try to avoid leather, and buy cosmetics not tested on animals, this is an expectation with veganism.  There are tons of things we don’t often think would be difficult to buy without animal cruelty.  As I switched my wardrobe over to fall this seemed like the opportune time to point out a few common hard to find products, and some label reading tips:

sprouseblack_det1lrgWinter Coats: I bought my last winter coat two years ago, and my eyes are still recovering from reading all the tiny labels.  Many coats contain wool, and often times it’s only in the liner, or is only a small percent of the weave.  Since I no longer have functional pockets in my coat; it seemed time for a new one.

Every winter vegan forums go nuts on this topic, and will link to every vegan winter coat on the market.  However, I wanted a pea coat.  Also, when I purchase new, frequently used, semi-expensive items I prefer to buy from vegan shops and ones that value human rights as well.  The coat on the right came from Alternative Outfitters.  What is nice about them is that they promote vegan friendly companies, and do their best to insure fair labor conditions as well.  On top of that!  They’re also affordable, and sell a wide range of items.  Which means fewer orders, and lower shipping costs; not to mention shipping is free on orders over $100.

parablk12Fall/Winter Shoes: Specifically shoes for work.  It seems nearly impossible to find plain canvas shoes; everyone assumes I want to wear polka dots or plaid to my professional day job.  In the summertime I have some luck finding sandals (primarily DSW) as well as evening shoes.  The fall, however, is a time for panic and anxiety.  This time around I found a nice pair of mary jane style flats from Alternative Outfitters (and thus got free shipping).  Last year though, I bought my big bad combat boots from Mooshoes.  In New York they’re actually a store; I will not tell my vegan nerd dreams of going to NY. Mooshoes can get pricey, however, their shoes tend to last.

TIP: if out and about shoe shopping, look for the sticker, often on the sole, and look for “Man Made Materials” check that this is for the balance and upper. Most vegans consider this a go.

Cosmetics: This is a subject that can make any vegan dizzy.  Not only is there animal testing to worry about there are animal products as well.  Before I continue, I need to confess that I do not include insect products in my veganism, especially in make-up.  Some hardcore vegans would say I am not vegan because of this.  I simply find them very hard to afford without breaking the bank, also I break that rule whenever I get ants or fruit flies.  There are a TON of vegan cosmetic lines.  I suggest heading to your local natural food store for a sampling.  They also tend to be very expensive.

I do highly recommend Dr. Bronner’s soap if for no other reason than to read the label.  The other issue with vegan cosmetic lines is that many do not have a primary mission of being vegan; but rather one of being all natural/organic.  While they tend to clearly state which products are vegan; label reading will still happen.  My bias is that this is an overpriced racket.  For veganism to be viable it needs to be affordable, good news is that it can be.

Many cosmetic companies have sworn off animal testing.  I am not saying these guys are the most moral, but it is a really nice step.  The first cosmetic giant to step away from animal testing was Revlon.  L’Oréal on the other hand is a big offender, and known to be dishonest in it’s labeling.  They also carry other brands (small print will tell you if it’s L’Oréal).  Revlon does contain animal products, however, usually just silk and carmine (both from insects).  There are frightening lists of animal ingredients, however many have multiple sources.

TIP: When checking labels, look for milk derivatives and animal oils (such as lanolin) first; if they’re not present then use your own judgment.

St Ives is a great line for face scrubs, shampoos, body washes and lotions.  Recently I discovered they will put “no animal ingredients” on products that, well, don’t have animal products.  St Ives products are nice, easy to find, and cheap.

Other household products: Household cleaners, laundry detergent, even dish soap are often made by corporations with poor practices when it comes to animals and the environment.  I went broke trying to get all ethical products.  For everything except laundry I try to use Dr. Bronner’s.  It can be found wherever there are hippies.  For serious, in a pinch I go to the local head shop to buy soap.  I use it as an all purpose cleaner for counter tops, floors, and dishes.

On animal testing lists, and ingredient lists.  Use your best judgment.  We live in a non-vegan world, and I know I at least, am not rich.  On some points compromise is necessary, we chose how we honor our ethics in our day to day choices.  Personally, I go for the most ethical option first, however, priorities change with things like cost and accessibility.

Waking the Eye

My third eye, which could also be phrased as my imaginative consciousness, gateway to astral and higher consciousness has never been particularly good.  It is actually often at the point where I rarely remember dreams, and where I get the sense in the morning that I didn’t dream at all.  In my youth I was avid about opening my inner eye, and made quite a bit of progress.  Since I’ve been away from my practice for several years, it’s gotten all rusty again.

It’s always been a point of frustration for me, though it hasn’t kept me totally from powerful trance and energy work.  When my Ajna is open, even when the sight is blurry or shadowed, it only serves to amplify my other work.

Along with regular meditation on chakra opening, I am working to understand the pervasive injury to my imaginative mind.  I know a lot is rooted in psychological trauma, and that when my eye has been open I lay very prone to terrible vivid nightmares, or vivid flashbacks.  My last time around with third eye wakefulness was in 2007 when I began to realize my life was not in order.  The dreams and visions hounded me until I made major changes.

While my mind has difficulty with colorful imagined fantasy, I have no problem with being present focus.  A series of internal driven meditations I do connect well with self examination to archetypes, seeing the connections between people, sensing essence, and it’s flow throughout life.  I guess combined with the at times terrible force of imagination it makes sense to feel a little overwhelmed.

Perhaps I fear another shaking of my world, though I honestly doubt that, not in terms of anything around me that really matters.  The only life change I fear at this time is one of daytime careers.  The internal change though, the tearing of walls, and the terror stowed behind them, is a different story.  Life without some of those trappings, even if it is a life improved is yet another.

The answer of what to sacrifice at first harvest was fear, and I have no doubt that this is going to be a journey.

Preparing For 1st Harvest

Tomorrow, according to the pagan wheel of the year, is first harvest.  Historically it was the Celtic day celebrating the beginning of the wheat harvest, it is the first opportunity to count the gains of the year.  It lies opposite on the wheel to Imbolc, otherwise known as Candlemas on February 1, the day which marks the coming of light.  It could be said that Lammas, August 1, could be called the coming of the dark.  It is the point of the year which the focus turns from celebrating new gifts which have come into out lives, to reaping them and taking them into the self.

My affinity with the wheel of the year extends through half my life.  It is a well known knowledge that I can direct my focus and growth across the seasons, and that doing so will bring me balance.  It has not always been something I’ve been willing to do, or admit is important to me.  Over the past 18 months this course of the year has increased in importance, overtime I’ve reconciled with it’s spiritual utility.  I sat with the recognized course on Imbolc as I sat clingy to the smallest signs of the coming spring, and contemplating the seeds of my intentions planted within me.

While I have enjoyed these  light-bearing months, and have taken the fullest advantage of new opportunities it is nearing time to stop planting and begin taking in this year’s yield of skills, lessons, and revelations.  Tomorrow, I must find within myself the strength to take on this task.  Figure out the tools I will need to carry it out.  To also appropriately mourn choice being in abundance, while also being able to sit an contemplate what I have and nothing else.

Knowing my course does not ease the tediousness of the path.  If anything, knowing what lies ahead brings with it a responsibility to make the journey safe and fulfilling.  As my last year was about discovering my course in life, this one has been about mapping it.  Tomorrow I begin preparations for the harvest, and figure out what is still needed to have a successful winter.

Swinging Isn’t BDSM

Swinging is a term that relates to sex.  Typically with sex partners who have sex with other people.  Swingers actually have their own scene.  It’s large, has it’s own events, it’s own clubs.  Some of which are nicer than many of the BDSM venues.  There are VIP membership only swinger venues, house parties, and open venues.

BDSM on the other hand is, Bondage Discipline Sadism and Masochism.  It relates to parties doing these acts on one another.  Often in combination.  There tends to be an erotic component, though not always.  Many folks in BDSM are in relationships, and at times multiple relationships.  Play parties also tend to be fairly open.  People often play with strangers, usually at least one of the parties in the scene has another partner.

Though this doesn’t equal swinging as play does not equal sex.  Rather the central feature in play relates to the tenants of BDSM.  It revolves around the giving of pain, and power exchange.  While people in BDSM often have multiple play partners, this by default does not mean that they have sex with each of them, nor does it mean that there is any sort of sexual stimulation involved.

However, there are folks who are into BDSM and are also swingers.

Swinging also isn’t polyamory.  Polyamory is about multiple intimate relationships.  Polyamorous individuals often do have sex with each of their partners, though it is not the primary reason for the relationship.  Rather, polyamory bases itself on the other aspects of relationships.  Love, intimacy, and communication.

However, polyamorous individuals may have sex just for the sake of having sex, and may also identify with swinging.  Many people involved in BDSM also identify as poly.

Why are these definitions important?  It kind of upsets the flow of at the bondage party when someone approaches your primary partner and attempts to demand them to have sex with someone.  With some twisted understanding that kind of behavior is appropriate.  Often times at bdsm parties I and/or my partner have been approached as if we were there to have sex.  Rather than being there to beat the crap out of each other, as well as our closest friends.

However, when I’m at swinger venues this behavior doesn’t bother me, and there is an immediate understanding that is why many other people are there.  The nature of our play tends to be more sexual and exhibitionist.  I also do not go up to people and ask of I can hit them, light them on fire, or stab them with needles.  Though when I’m at a BDSM party I’d like that same level of respect from the swingers in attendance.  Because it’s perfectly ok to demand that I beat the shit out of someone, just don’t demand me to sleep with them.

Switch Space

86ca2efef2ef4f8e6c069187db93327a_20090717124933_510There is a lot written about sub space, as well as top space.  Both I find very enjoyable, and they are both unique.  However, they aren’t my favorite, and my kind of fun I often don’t see explictly written.

While I enjoy the intense connection from my sadistic little actions to my partners writhing, moaning, screaming reactions.  The intense detail, how I can track the response, on the best days predict them.  How I also enjoy feeling helpless, totally letting pain in, the meditative state managing surrender.  There is something else.

My favorite partnerships are switch/switch.  And not in the way where we say, “You’re on the bottom tonight.”  In the way where it’s a continous war zone.  So much of my tolerance of submission comes from not focusing on my decisions and actions.  In many ways I give those up entirely.

There is nothing like the terror of knowing I am no where near the headspace for pain.  Nothing more humilating than knowing I am clawing for control I am not going to get in that moment.  That my contentedness with my wickedness is going to be taken in an instant.

Yesterday my partner got a new tattoo while bored at work, quite conveniently on his ass.  During play he joked I hadn’t hit it yet, and he had his guard down just enough for me to get a really hard smack in.  As he was wailing I was laughing my ass off, smiling, feeling proud, of both of us.  Feeling a bit of the smugness of, “Oh, I made you do that.”

However as the screaming and the writhing started to die down I felt the dread of my moment of fulfillment ending.  I was in a freefall grasping for that serenity of submission which I knew I was going to need for the next strike, though not wanting to let go of my brief moment of control.  My eyes darted around, I felt my muscles tense and untense, testing the environment for where it was going to come from, and, “SLAM!”

“I’m not going to be the only one who can’t sit down,”  I hear distantly outside my screaming obscenities.

It’s the clawing confusion of am I going to let this in, or keep fighting.  Figuring out how to work around being held down and hurt.  Using consenting to being on better behavior as an excuse to be very bad the very next instant.  It’s mindset onto itself.  With my emotions seething, my thoughts scattered all over the place, the haphazard awareness of details, the very raw nature of the pain, the anger and the love.  It’s mindblowing.

Why I do This

I said to an old friend last night, “Who would have ever thought I’d turn out to be a pyro?”  I was the kid who was afraid to move their finger through the candle flame.  In March 2004 I saw my first fire performance, and I was so entranced I just had to learn it.  Though I remained tentative around flame.  Always taking every precaution possible, and for years never touched it.

Yet on Friday after my performance I was nervous.  I felt like I hadn’t done anything particularly special.  The whole time there wasn’t a moment of danger or anything that was unexpected.  Fire is now a friend.  I understand it, every moment I’m working from it.  Moving through flame, contact with flame, holding it in my mouth, and eating it.  It’s a subject I know and am comfortable with.  Being scared of it is a memory.

It took remembering my old fear to recognize what I gave to the audience.  Remembering the work of countless moments with fire.  It’s a relationship I’ve been building for over five years.  At this point is so familiar, and filled with so much joy and love.  My last thought is that it is unusual.

I love replacing fear with understanding.  The confrontation is the best part for me.  The moment when the relationship begins to change.  What I admire about folks in the scene is their lack of fear and total regard for what they do.

When I tell people I have an aversion to needles, some folks say maybe it’s not your thing.  Though I think of it much like fire, full of old fears, I view it as a stranger.  It is simply something I need to get to know.  I want to understand it, I want to be familiar with the sensation, to form a relationship with it.

For me, it’s spiritual.  It’s a closeness to the soul.  Everytime I surpass a limit I learn, I get closer to myself, and to that which I’ve confronted.  I succeed when I am in full awareness of it, ceasing to filter myself within the moment.  It’s a journey that’s endless.  That’s part of the joy, there will always be something new to experience.

When other people are included on this journey, for whatever length of time we are allowed to share the path we get to also forge this connection with each other.  People who have lent themselves to scenes with me, even simply lent themselves as witnesses, I feel that connection with.  A shared knowledge of what we are.

Trauma and Recovery

Last summer I got into a long standing arguement with a dominant over whether or not recovery was an ongoing process, or is it possible to be recovered.  As to remain in recovery focuses on continual progress and growth, though it is also a bit disempowering as it states that one is not “better”, and most likely never will be.

The undercurrent of the past year has been rebuilding my life into something where I feel comfortable and safe.  While I had physical safety in my marriage, for the present and future; I often felt like I went unheard.  To not be heard I have learned is the biggest threat to me feeling any sense of safety at all.

Fast forward to today where I am well respected at my job, have amazing friends and an amazing partner who accept me.  I’m living in a space that is comfortable, and familiar.  A space that also allows me to do the things I want to be able to do in life.  From being able to easily pick up that one thing I need from the store, to being able to sit quietly and type.

Am I safe?  Tricky question, though in terms of the world around me I couldn’t imagine it being any better.  In terms of my overall sense of self, it’s also about the same.  However, unlike my friend I do not believe this process is complete.

So much memory is still dug into the very bottom of my mind.  The very strong palpitable emotions still rise to the surface namelessly.  Occasionally fragments break off and I get little flashes of the past back.  Often nothing bad at all, but almost always from something forgotten.

The path is still before me, and it always will be.  Though I know more about it, and am more prepared for the journey.  While there will still be rough patches, and very old things may rise up with the same terror of so many years ago; I am in a different place.

The question of whether or not I’m “better”, is ridiculous though.  As I was never broken.  At times I had issues, and symptoms that have derailed my life, and while I still cope with those symptoms today, I doubt anyone looking at me from the outside would take any notice.

My life is full, and functional.  I’m on target, perhaps beyond, for my age.  Overall I’m happy.  I have more good days then bad days.  All those things that we seek as fulfillment in life I’ve got.  How I have gotten to these things, and how I weave my life to be able to maintain them is just a little different.

What trauma gave me is awful perspective.  And as deep and dark as it can be, it is just as much light.  It is so deep that to recover I have to not be afraid of the depth and attempt to understand it.  The result is a unique wisdom, one I cherish, and am often credited for.

And I prefer wisdom, over being “better”.

Adversarial Dynamics (switch/switch)

I often get asked how does it work with another switch?

It’s simple: we fight constantly.

We’re both D/s, S/m, and insanely aggressive. Verbally and physically. To be clear though we also have a relationship outside the fighting, and with all the things in life that count we agree, really we just like fighting. This is an important note, for all relationships involving BDSM, we actually do care about each other and have good communication at all times even while slamming each others’ heads against the wall.

This is also not a topping and bottoming kind of scenario. The terms top and bottom I tend to take as referring to the act, and the more emotional and mental sides of BDSM are left out of the picture or cease to be when the scene ends. This is not the case with me, and it never has been.

Also, I have found my switch/switch partnerships to be more severe than dominant submissive ones. Largely because our version of impact play requires immobilizing a moving target. The fail safe for serious injury tends to be that we end up immobilizing each other. A few weeks ago we stopped ourselves from asphyxiating because we both had fingers dug into our necks. We were both starting to lose consciousness and thus both let up on the grip.

It’s a lovely scenario because the joy is in winning and losing. I equally love paralyzing him with pain, as I enjoy being paralyzed with pain.

The dynamics also build slowly over time. Old tricks cease to work, so we add new ones, we get bored of one thing and start doing another. In a past switch/switch relationship this occurred as well and after several months we had a whole box of gear and range of things we liked to do to one another.

However, adversarial dynamics still involve top drop, sub drop, and require aftercare. It’s interesting and really amounts to something I’m inclined to call switch drop. When I drop after submissive scenes the experience is quite different. As there is that kinda amazing sub drop void, though also a concern for my partner and where they’re at. That piece of my mind which directs towards my responsibility towards another keeps me from getting lost. I enjoy this headspace more, as it’s less lonely.

It’s nice going through the same adrenalin drain, and both dealing with the aches and pains. As it’s a similar experience it’s easier for us to care for one another and relate to each other.

Condom Safety: Latex Allergy, Alternatives and Breaks

I had the fortunate misfortune of getting into BDSM very young. Early on into my first serious D/s dynamic at the age of 19 my dominant partner injured my inner left labia (it’s actually still disfigured). We were also into very rough sex. I started to notice I wasn’t healing, and I was actually continuing to experience swelling. We were using good ole lubricated Trojan condoms.

After awhile I was dealing with painful burning, and swelling internally. We slowed down significantly for awhile, though I continued to have difficulty with regular latex condoms. The silver lining is that while using latex, we had no breaks.

It was recommended to us that we try the Polyurethane condoms that had recently become more available on the market. We were a little skeptical, and turns out this was with good reason. Within a week or two we had experienced at least two breaks. Not only did the condoms break, we didn’t even notice it was happening. We essentially, fucked right through them.

This was when they were used properly, we regularly engaged in foreplay, I was plenty ready.

Since we were monogamous I eventually just went on the pill, which caused a host of health problems for me. Exhausted by this whole ordeal I decided to do some research and found a promising solution:

Deproteinized NRL Condoms, essentially hypoallergenic latex. However, for whatever reason since I started searching in 2001 they have been hard to find in the US, even though they demonstrate equal efficacy besides the allergic reaction. A good summary article on them is located here: http://www.medimart.com/medicalnews/news2.html

In fact many shops have never even heard of them. I got lucky and briefly was seeing someone who had them imported from Europe, even more lucky that a few were left at my apartment. With these I experienced no reaction, and experienced no increase in breakage. Including with the same partner who had gotten me all screwed up in the first place.

This past May a partner found some at random at a CVS near my home. We both then tried looking in our area, and found none.

The question I often get asked is, so are you really allergic to latex?

The answer is funny, yes and no. With good lubrication, especially a coating of a water based lubricant, and frequent reapplication I can pretty much do whatever. If I have extended periods of rough sex, I may have some irritation and swelling. I’ve heard this has worked for other individuals as well.

It is also good practice. As I have had latex break on me too. Particularly on well endowed partners, however, when buying proper sizes, etc, this shouldn’t be an issue. Good lubrication is the best prevention. However, when latex breaks, it tends to make a loud snap and scare the fuck out of all involved.

It’s a pretty awesome alarm system, and while latex breaks still bear a risk of STD transmission, snapping, scary, at times painful latex breaks stop all activities thus reducing the risk for at least pregnancy, and reducing the risk for other STDs/STIs.

The other thing I have found unfortunately to be helpful is avoiding vaginal injury. So limited clamping, biting, suction, etc. After a scene in October I definitely re-experienced some burning post sex, and the scene has only involved clothspins. This, indeed makes me cry.

I write about this in a BDSM context because it has always been where I have experienced the most risk for latex sensitivity and condom breaks. As it tends to be more creative, rougher, and acrobatic? Though I’ve had similar issues with partners with whom I was not being posed with the expectation of obedience, or currently in combat with. While I have never seen statistics it would not surprising me if we had a higher occurrence of allergy or breaks.