This is something I think anyone who has been involved in BDSM for awhile already knows, even if it is only implicitly. However, most articles I find revolve around technique, etiquette and protocol. Trust often comes up in a cursory way as something that is necessary, though not as a core component.

When I started to look for Dominant partners for play I realized I was screening in a completely different way than I had in any other relationship. I knew I was into some edgy stuff, and for safety alone it was important that I could trust potential partners to perform these kinds of play safely. The equation ended up being a balance of technical skill, maturity, and empathy.

Empathy? Yes, I used that word in relation to Dominant sadists, what good is it to be in a relationship with someone who can’t tell the difference between being really mean, and being REALLY mean. How could I trust someone like that? How good is play as a submissive if you have to keep one eye open? After a few early experiences I learned that it is important for the Dominant to be able to remain in tune with me throughout the duration of the scene. Not simply in tune with how much I was screaming, but what I was screaming about and why.

This discussion however, is still only reaching the technical aspects of D/s in relation to trust. I tend to think that because the physical acts we do with one another are so different, they get most of the attention. The emotional acts are just as important, and are also altered from a normal relationship. Likewise, a lot of what drives the erotic aspect of a normal relationship has nothing to do with technical skill, it has to do with the emotional interaction. The same is true for BDSM.

ASPECTS OF TRUST IN D/s

The submissive has to trust the submissive: the submissive needs to trust that she can tolerate the full potential of the scene. This trust in herself needs to persevere through the increasing intensity of the scene itself. She needs to believe that can get through it, and continue to be aware, in charge, and genuine with herself and her responses.

The Dominant has to trust the Dominant: the Dominant needs to trust that he knows the how his actions effect the submissive. That his understanding of the skills and tools being used is solid enough that he can gauge what of his actions will have what effect on the submissive.

The submissive has to trust the Dominant: the submissive needs to be able to trust that no action of the Dominant is going to move her past her own safe threshold. This includes physical, emotional and mental safety. The submissive needs to trust that the Dominant can read her and differentiate between good pain and bad pain, and that the Dominant with maintain empathy.

The Dominant has to trust the submissive: the Dominant has to trust that the submissive is rendering genuine responses and is in tune with herself and how she is receiving the Dominant’s actions. If the Dominant cannot trust this he cannot trust that he can gauge the effect of his actions by the reaction of the submissive.

When trust exists along all of these different points, it’s a powerful scene indeed. It also stops being about whatever tools are being used in the scene, it becomes about the emotional interchange. When I am Dominant I am aware of how whatever toys I use simply become an extension of me and my entire focus is on the submissive partner and where I want them to go. Likewise as a submissive I stop feeling different kinds of pain, I only feel the direction of the Dominant partner.

I have found that even scenes with friends or occasional play partners when these equations have balanced out there was a new implicit closeness and understanding of one another. As a successful scene is transcends the actions of those involved and becomes about getting into each others heads, and that happens because the parties involved can trust one another to go there. It’s the true location of power exchange, and it flows in both directions as empathy flows between both parties.

I wanted to add that this also translates to Switch/switch scenes, also to any gender combination. This particular binary was the easiest to work with on this particular topic. For interplay with Switch dynamics please reference those essays, and I promise to write more on that in the future.