There is a lot written about sub space, as well as top space. Both I find very enjoyable, and they are both unique. However, they aren’t my favorite, and my kind of fun I often don’t see explictly written.
While I enjoy the intense connection from my sadistic little actions to my partners writhing, moaning, screaming reactions. The intense detail, how I can track the response, on the best days predict them. How I also enjoy feeling helpless, totally letting pain in, the meditative state managing surrender. There is something else.
My favorite partnerships are switch/switch. And not in the way where we say, “You’re on the bottom tonight.” In the way where it’s a continous war zone. So much of my tolerance of submission comes from not focusing on my decisions and actions. In many ways I give those up entirely.
There is nothing like the terror of knowing I am no where near the headspace for pain. Nothing more humilating than knowing I am clawing for control I am not going to get in that moment. That my contentedness with my wickedness is going to be taken in an instant.
Yesterday my partner got a new tattoo while bored at work, quite conveniently on his ass. During play he joked I hadn’t hit it yet, and he had his guard down just enough for me to get a really hard smack in. As he was wailing I was laughing my ass off, smiling, feeling proud, of both of us. Feeling a bit of the smugness of, “Oh, I made you do that.”
However as the screaming and the writhing started to die down I felt the dread of my moment of fulfillment ending. I was in a freefall grasping for that serenity of submission which I knew I was going to need for the next strike, though not wanting to let go of my brief moment of control. My eyes darted around, I felt my muscles tense and untense, testing the environment for where it was going to come from, and, “SLAM!”
“I’m not going to be the only one who can’t sit down,” I hear distantly outside my screaming obscenities.
It’s the clawing confusion of am I going to let this in, or keep fighting. Figuring out how to work around being held down and hurt. Using consenting to being on better behavior as an excuse to be very bad the very next instant. It’s mindset onto itself. With my emotions seething, my thoughts scattered all over the place, the haphazard awareness of details, the very raw nature of the pain, the anger and the love. It’s mindblowing.