Last summer I got into a long standing arguement with a dominant over whether or not recovery was an ongoing process, or is it possible to be recovered. As to remain in recovery focuses on continual progress and growth, though it is also a bit disempowering as it states that one is not “better”, and most likely never will be.
The undercurrent of the past year has been rebuilding my life into something where I feel comfortable and safe. While I had physical safety in my marriage, for the present and future; I often felt like I went unheard. To not be heard I have learned is the biggest threat to me feeling any sense of safety at all.
Fast forward to today where I am well respected at my job, have amazing friends and an amazing partner who accept me. I’m living in a space that is comfortable, and familiar. A space that also allows me to do the things I want to be able to do in life. From being able to easily pick up that one thing I need from the store, to being able to sit quietly and type.
Am I safe? Tricky question, though in terms of the world around me I couldn’t imagine it being any better. In terms of my overall sense of self, it’s also about the same. However, unlike my friend I do not believe this process is complete.
So much memory is still dug into the very bottom of my mind. The very strong palpitable emotions still rise to the surface namelessly. Occasionally fragments break off and I get little flashes of the past back. Often nothing bad at all, but almost always from something forgotten.
The path is still before me, and it always will be. Though I know more about it, and am more prepared for the journey. While there will still be rough patches, and very old things may rise up with the same terror of so many years ago; I am in a different place.
The question of whether or not I’m “better”, is ridiculous though. As I was never broken. At times I had issues, and symptoms that have derailed my life, and while I still cope with those symptoms today, I doubt anyone looking at me from the outside would take any notice.
My life is full, and functional. I’m on target, perhaps beyond, for my age. Overall I’m happy. I have more good days then bad days. All those things that we seek as fulfillment in life I’ve got. How I have gotten to these things, and how I weave my life to be able to maintain them is just a little different.
What trauma gave me is awful perspective. And as deep and dark as it can be, it is just as much light. It is so deep that to recover I have to not be afraid of the depth and attempt to understand it. The result is a unique wisdom, one I cherish, and am often credited for.
And I prefer wisdom, over being “better”.